I’ll admit something. I love The Bachelor.
And The Bachelorette. And if we’re being honest, Bachelor In Paradise is my favorite.
For the longest time I only liked watching the Bachelor/ette finales and making snap judgements on the couples in the final episode. But, I would always see people live-tweeting The Bachelor/ette/paradise and wanted to watch. That’s when I saw Peter Weber would be the bachelor last January. I decided to have Peter be my intro into the franchise because… well he’s hot.
But it also took me about half an episode to see that while Pilot Pete was hot, Pilot Pete was also incredibly dumb. Like, dumb dumb. And it was really fun to watch all the women on his season exploit how dumb he was. Like, I thought the lead was supposed to be the one in control but this felt like a total role reversal. From there I was hooked.
I now listen to a couple Bachelor podcasts every week. I found two seasons of BIP to watch over the winter, as well as Kaitlyn Bristow and Ben Higgins’ seasons. It’s a sport to me.
And I was very excited for the start of Katie Thurston’s Bachelorette season this week.
The thing is, though, literally no one else in my life likes The Bachelor franchise. If we’re being honest, everyone in my life either A) thinks the Bachelor is stupid and a waste of time to watch or B) gets very angry at the thought that the show even exists.
So for that reason, since I’m usually always having to share a TV on Monday nights, I’m not able to watch the show as it airs because someone will always say “turn this crap off!” So I much prefer to watch alone without anyone’s judgement.
This kind of stink though because watching alone a day or so after the airing sets me up for spoilers (Every other season I’ve read the spoilers early but I want to watch this one without knowing what happens so DON’T TELL ME ANYTHING!). And it also makes it hard to live tweet. Live tweeting things on TV is my favorite pastime, but it’s kind of pointless if no one else is watching at the same time.
So, I’ve decided this season I will keep a live blog of each Bachelorette episode, running down all the things I would have tweeted if the people I share a TV with didn’t suck.
Here. We. Go.
– Katie starts with the classic “I’ve never dated this many guys at once” line that every lead is probably contractually obligated to say. And my question is, why? If you’re in the real world and you have dated 30 people at once I need to know what special “free time” pill you take because that sounds exhausting and like do you not have a job?
– Also, if you’re a normie who has dated 30 people at once, I feel like you’re not going to go on a TV show that prides itself in ending in an engagement. Could be wrong.
– What color is Katie’s dress? Everyone says it’s red but to me it looks coral as heck.
– This is a quarantine season again with everything taking place at the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa in Santa Ana Pueblo, New Mexico. One may says of the resort: “It’s just a place that fosters love.” Yep, cause when I think of the most romantic places on earth, the first one that comes to mind is within an hour’s drive of Area 51.
– I’m sorry, is this man kissing his grandma who is sitting on a Chicago Cubs blanket??? With a poster of Wrigley Field in the background??? SHUT IT DOWN! We have winner! He’s my favorite.
– stoppppppp it! Look at that hair! Greg! Greg With The Good Hair!
I mean, who among us didn’t make a pillow person to keep us company during quarantine last year?
– This season is so much more lighthearted and fun with Tayshia and Kaitlyn as hosts. I didn’t understand Chris Harrison. Maybe it’s because I started watching late, but he was too old and he didn’t seem like he enjoyed being there at all. Just a grumpy old man who came out every once in a while to collect his checks. I’m very glad he’s gone.
– Also, my favorite thing so far is T&K are watching from the window, and Katie will periodically turn to give them a thumbs up or a smile. It’s like when seniors give a freshman a makeover and watch as she tries to talk to football players in the cafeteria. It’s just the cutest thing.
– Sir…who dressed you? Did you shrink your pants and were unable to get a new pair during quarantine because that’s the only excuse for this.
– This man gave Katie a watch and said it was an heirloom that’s been in his family for 200 years, then says “no I’m just kidding I got this at the airport.” I saw that coming and I still loved it. Too bad he ruined the punchline by adding something about time is precious who cares.
– A truck pulls up and Tre does the whole fake-a-roo by actually being in a ball pit that was put in the bed. I didn’t understand at first but it was quite adorable.
– First crop of men – very good looking. Very charming. I think these are going to be the front runners except for too-short-pants man who should go home immediately and find clothes that fit.
– Greg with the good hair is in this second limo! Forget what I previously said about the frontrunners.
– Is this the good hair limo?
– Good Hair Gabriel proceeds to hug Katie but like in a “take a deep breath feel our chakras” kind of way. If a guy did that to me I would assume he does Yoga which is an instant no in my book. So Good Hair Gabe isn’t doing it for me.
– John looks like he could have played a boyfriend on a Disney Channel show.
– Landon looks like he was the villain on that show.
– Why are these entrances so boring? Do you people know anything about Katie? She’s Katie Thurston! She had one of the most iconic limo exits of all time! You can’t win her love with a simple hug and a “happy to be here.” Effort!
– Unless you’re Greg With The Good Hair.
– Andrew comes out of the limo talking in a fake British accent, and finally we have a good exit! It was made even better by the fact he added the fancy pants car with it. It was charming and funny and Andrew now joins the favorites crop.
– The third crop of men is the comedians – and not good ones. Puns like bringing a baseball glove to “catch feelings,” a fish cause he’s “a catch.” A man even had the audacity to pull underwear out of his britches and say he “wants to be brief.” Like, come on. Not good yall. This is Katie for crying out loud. I’m never opposed to puns but make them good ones.
– A man is being wheeled in in a giant present. I have a feeling this present will be very anticlimactic.
– Also a missed opportunity for the present man to not have the bottom of the box open so he could move the box with his feet like the Flintstones.
– Okay, is it just me or do 90% of these guys look exactly the same? Katie said “why are they all so hot?” Maybe because they all have the same face and hair. If one of these guys murdered a family member of mine there’s no way I could pull them out of a police lineup.
– Except Greg With The Good Hair.
– Cody brought a blow up doll. You knew it was coming after Katie’s limo exit gift to Matt James, but this guy was trying too hard.
– Oh good the fourth crop is the sexual innuendo crop. Meh.
– Quartney with the Q is quite good though.
– Cat man Conner. This man steps out of the limo in a full on cat costume and she liked that??? Like, I love my cats more than basically any person I’ve ever met but if a man showed up to meet me with PAINTED ON WHISKERS and fake paws on his hands I’m purrrrrrty sure I would have him get back in the limo and just head back home.
– That’s all the men. I expected better exits, but there were some standouts. Not-British Andrew wins.
– Katie just mentioned they quarantined for two weeks. Wasn’t this filmed in like March? They didn’t get everyone a vaccine before showing up?
– Greg! Greg Greg we stan Greg! Greg With The Good Hair gives Katie a necklace made by his 3-year-old niece and the entire viewing audience swoons. He said “It’s not actually gold, it’s actually pasta.” He’s the sweetest thing we must protect Greg AT. ALL. COSTS!!!
– I had to take a half time break. I have a job I pretend to do sometimes.
– I Love Tre. And I’ll tell you why I love Tre – Tre brought a homemade ball pit to Night 1, which is cute as heck. But I really love Tre because Tre asked Katie her middle name. The thing about The Bachelor I never understood is it seems like all the conversations they have are so deep and wordy like “I’m looking for a guy with unconditional strength and forgivingness” or whatever. They never actually ask questions to get to know the person. How many people who win The Bachlor/ette/in Paradise actually know basic things like what the other person’s favorite movie is? Tre seemed actually interested in knowing Katie… also he asked her her middle name while they sitting were in ball pit in the back of a pickup truck. Cutest first date ever.
– Karl is a motivational speaker. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust anyone whose occupation is motivational speaker sir you can’t tell me what to do!
– Just as I suspected – guy in the box was anything but a gift. Nothing special about him.
– Greg with the Good Hair gets the first impression rose! We stan Greg With The Good Hair! He gives me major Joseph Gordon Levitt in Ten Things I Hate About You vibes. I love it but that makes me very scared for him too.
– My final thought is I’m very glad she sent the RV man home. He spent all that time bringing his RV to New Mexico and didn’t even have the decency to clean it first? This is Katie Thurston, dude, show some respect!
– My final four predictions – Connor the Cat Man (ugh…), Greg with the Good Hair, Disney Channel John, and Blake Moynes
Blake Moynes and Katie had some flirtiness on Instagram right after Matt’s season ended, so whenever he shows up I have a feeling it’ll be for a while.
I’ll be back next week at some time after Monday whenever I get a chance to watch the episode. Thanks for reading!